Tag Archives: psychology

Thriving or Surviving?

I’m a bit late hopping onto the Mental Health awareness week campaign. That is “Surviving or Thriving?” But I think it’s a brilliant thing to raise awareness of.

Before being in hospital I worked in a supermarket office, I volunteered as a first aider, I helped run youth mentoring programs. I loved to read, to sing, to play my violin. I was thriving.

Then I got admitted. For the last few months before I was admitted to the EDU I had lost my ability to thrive. I was cold all the time, my head was a mess of numbers, I was so hungry yet so full, everything hurt. I used to walk back from uni to my flat, an hours walk, convinced that this time I wouldn’t be able to make it. I was only just surviving. As my admission passed I was able to lift myself up again. Groups and therapy gave me the ability to survive and maybe hope toward thriving. I can’t say I ever really felt I’d achieved much but I did make friends for life. What’s lovely is seeing some of the girls I was in hospital with living life- learning to thrive.

I managed to return to my degree and I loved my time working in a laboratory. In there, running between my test tubes and the anaerobic cabinet, I was able to forget about my mental health. I could completely immerse myself. But I was not coping on the outside and I was sectioned half way through my dissertation.

This latest admission has been different to my previous. Here there is a real sense of helping us patients do more than just survive. Across the country there are talks of Recovery Colleges. At my EDU there was one being mentioned but solely as a way to learn about your condition. There is a Recovery College here which for me has helped bring me up to somewhere more than just surviving. Going to groups involving the whole hospital has helped bring my confidence up so I can speak in front of others. I went to groups which made me laugh- the smell of our bath bombs probably won’t ever leave me ( I don’t recommend chocolate essence!)! But I also learnt a lot and as my confidence improved I started writing for the newsletter and then became editor. I haven’t worked for years and this lifted me so much. I learnt to delegate, to use new programmes on the computer. I started to become confident in myself that I could achieve things. I’m learning that talking about my story isn’t a bad thing and in many ways has helped me start accepting my past. I look back at when I first went to Recovery College and compare it to now. I now have the confidence to start thinking about work, about future university study, about leaving hospital completely. I even picked up my violin last time I was home! The Recovery College has played a huge part in my recovery. Most of the places I have been have been solely about survival. There was nothing to help you achieve more than that. And that’s what’s different here, we aren’t just helped to survive, we’re also helped to learn to thrive.

ECT 

Tomorrow is my third session of ECT. I’m not going to lie and say it’s a treatment I feel particularly positive about or one I’m 100% dedicated to. But I’m doing it and that counts for something. I wanted to write a post about what it’s really like. 

When I was told ECT was my next line of treatment I was terrified. In my head I had images and descriptions of the type found in The Bell Jar. Descriptions of a barbaric process which is painful and undertaken fully conscious. 

The reality couldn’t be further from the truth. I do not like ECT and I am terrified before every treatment. But it is now a clinical and controlled process only used where clinically indicated. 

On ECT days I do not take any medications in the morning and am nil by mouth. A nurse or HCA takes me over to the ECT suite about 9-10amish with my thick ECT folder. We wait together in a pleasant sitting area watching TV until I am called through by one of the ECT nurses to the prep room. There I am settled into a trolley and all my observations taken. As always my pulse is high. My nurse/ HCA is with me throughout as memory tests are checked and then I am wheeled through to the ECT room. There a cannula is inserted and jelly and monitors stuck to my temples and forehead. An oxygen bag valve mask is placed over my mouth as the anaesthetic and muscle relaxant are injected. I quickly lose consciousness. The next thing I know I am waking up in recovery with a cracking headache feeling woozy. Because I am not drinking or eating I always awake to a bag of saline being pushed through. I am slowly re orientated and then taken through to the recovery sitting room where I have the option of a cuppa and something to eat. Whilst in the sitting room my obs are repeated multiple times before I’m taken back to the ward by my HCA / nurse to sleep and have my obs continued. And then that’s all repeated a few days later. 

If I’m honest, I hate ECT. I do not trust that it will work and I hate being unconscious. Then there’s the side effects- memory loss, headaches, muscle pain, disorientation and fear. But neither is it the draconian torture method so frequently projected.