Its been such a long time since I wrote. It’s weird looking back at earlier posts and reading how ill I was. Was. Today writing, I feel good.
One of the most annoying phrases my consultant uses is ‘baby steps’. I just didn’t want to hear it. I don’t want baby steps, I’ve been here over a year and I’d quite like to be taking giant leaps! It’s hard, my previous admissions were short. I thought my eating disorders admission was long at 10 months but this one trumps that- it’s been nearly two years since I was admitted. For so much of my admission this time I never thought I’d get out. Even baby steps seemed elusive.
So many parts of being a psychiatric patient sunder section are horrible to go through. With the exception of home leave, I have been supervised in the toilet since June 2015. You learn to put your modesty aside when it comes to that! I’ve been put under anaesthetic and undergone ECT because no-one explained to me that I had a right to refuse. I’ve had side effects that made even holding a cup a challenge (sorry to everyone I threw water at!). I tied so many ligatures. I was restrained and injected numerous times in my acute. It felt endless. I felt like a guinea pig, trying and trying to find something that worked.
I’ve been lucky enough to be on a brilliant unit for just over a year. Although I struggle with DBT and a lot of it doesn’t really click with me, some bits of it have helped. Namely mindfullness. But the biggest thing was working in therapy and starting to admit and vocalise whats happened to me.
I had my CPA recently and for the first time I came out of it feeling so positive. My mum was there, fighting my corner as always and it was so nice to feel like things were going finally in the right direction. Mum and Dad have been my rock (along with my boyfriend) and have kept me going, it was so nice to feel they knew things were going well. I started clozapine this year and for such a long time I was scared. But it’s turned the corner for me. Sylvia Plath talked about the bell jar lifting- and that’s what it feels like, suddenly I can breath clearly. I can laugh and talk. For a long time I’ve been adamant that I do not intend to live. That’s changing, suddenly I want a future- I want to live again, I’m starting to feel hope.
So here’s to hope. And to take a moment to remember a lovely friend who was let down so badly. Here’s to you, I’ll never forget you .