Monthly Archives: June 2016

What’s it like to feel suicidal?

First off a bit of an update. I disappeared over a couple of weeks due to slipping backwards with my eating and drinking and then my mood followed. I was admitted to hospital rehydrated. But I’m not fainting everywhere so I’m allowed off the ward to blog.

Now onto the topic I wanted to address this week.

People don’t talk about, it’s shoved in the corner and not allowed out. But it happens. Suicide is one of the biggest killers of males under the age of 25.But for some people feeling suicidal and not able to shove it in a corner is a harsh reality of their life. I’ve felt suicidal many times and over long periods and it’s been one the hardest parts o my illness for them.

So what’s it like to feel suicidal. For me it’s like smoke, it fills your eyes and nose and mouth so you can’t breathe or scream for help. Talking is an effort, breathing is an effort. The black smoke weighs you down so you can only shuffle. It convinces me not to talk to staff as they’re too busy or you don’t deserve anyway. You search endlessly for a sharp object is you’re a self harmer. I’ve literally gone through everything in my room searching for something to harm with. Usually it’s futile.

That’s my experience of suicidal feelings. I’ve not spoken about other people’s experiences because I’m not in their heads and have no idea what it’s like for them. But male, female, race, sexual orientation and all of them, we need to speak more about suicide, take away the shame by taking it out the corner.



Not waving but drowning

Imagine that you are underwater, but yours eyes and ears are open. You can breathe so you’re not drowning. You’re not drowning but your body is screaming at you that you are. You want to ask for help but you’re under water so how can you?

That is what a flashback is like me. When I was first transferred here I had big flashbacks that would me me to harming myself. Staff would try and talk to me but I was under water so couldn’t hear them. All I could understand was they were trying to stop me doing the one thing that would stop the flashback. So I fought and scream (not very often, normally you’d have to strain to hear me!) and I cried but eventually I started swimming up out of the water, baby steps and first then longer and longer. Now I still get flashbacks but they’re smaller, distressing but manageable on my own.

That’s my experience of flashbacks. I know it’s different for everyone so oe experience may differ to another’s.

Thanks for reading everyone, I’ll be back in two weeks.