When I think back on 2015 it’s with very mixed emotions. The year started off wobbly, I had just found out I had been successful in getting a job which sounded perfect- a reablement assistant post helping people get back into their own homes after hospital. The snag was it was felt by occupational health that I wasn’t fit enough to work a full time job in such a stressful environment. I was gutted but soon rallied and applied for jobs at Waitrose where I’d worked before. I was successful and started to work there 22hours a week as a petrol station supermarket assistant. A job far more stressful than it sounds. Manning the tills, authorising fuel, safety checks, bakery checks, customer service and refilling the stock. But I initially really enjoyed it and the team. Very early on full time and management contracts were starting to be mentioned although this pressure led to the eventual decline in my health.
Before working I spent two weeks in the Oxford day hospital as my suicidal thoughts had returned full blast. The admission worked and I left feeling better than I had in a while. Then mum and I spent a magical 3 days in Iceland where we were hoping to see the northern lights but they never showed up and to go whale watching but the sea was too stormy. But we did manage to fit in our Goldern Circle tour and the city itself was stunning. So much snow and we had lobster soup in a fisherman shack and the best fish and chips I’ve ever had. And it was wonderful spending time with my lovely mum.
As the pressure increased at work, demands from an unwell friend piled up and my mood dropped faster and faster. Until on the 1st may in my way to work I got to the park and ride and knew if I got out the car I would run into the traffic. I phoned my mum and then panicked and smashed a bottle I had in my car and cut my wrist. Deep but not deep enough. I was sent home from a&e but the next day my CPN called a meeting with me and my mum and it was agreed I would go inpatient voluntarily. There no beds in the trust so the next day I found myself at the priory roehampton.
The priory was good, I found the groups really helpful although it saw the beginning of my anorexia creeping back in. About three weeks later I was transferred back to the ward at home.
This was where things really crashed. I went from being on a planned 10 day admission to te ward to prepare for discharge to ligaturing and self harm so often I was placed in a anti ligature suit and my discharge was cancelled. I was placed on 1:1 and haven’t been off it since. Around the same time I completely stopped eating and drinking only tiny amounts. On the 16th June I tried to leave the ward and was put on a section 5(2) of the mental Health Act. Later that day I was assessed and put straight on a section 3.
Throughout June and July my eating remained non existent and my fluid intake was minimal. I was taken to hospital twice for dehydration and malnutrition needing IV fluid and vitamin infusions. Then in August it was decided that as my self harm, suicide attempts and mood weren’t improving ECT was the only option and that way I could receive fluids under sedation without having to go to hospital. ECT was stopped early though as I tried to abscond on my way to it with staff.
In September I was finally persuaded to start eating and drinking again with the support of my wonderful mum who came to ward round and told the ward they needed to get a handle on my eating disorder. I started off entirely on ensures but I’m slowly coming off them.
At the end of September I had my tribunal which was not pleasant. I was prepared that my section wouldn’t be lifted but it hit home when the said no. They did however make a recommendation that I be transferred to a specialist unit. Which has very slowly been worked towards by the ward and I had an assessment the other day.
The other day I was allowed to see my dogs which was lovely even if it was in the hospital.
I wasn’t allowed to go home for Christmas but I got an hour with my family where mum made it feel like Christmas by going to so much effort- non alcoholic champagne, a table cloth, mini Christmas tree and presents. It was the best part of my day.
The other absolutely massive part of my life this year has been meeting my boyfriend chris who I love to pieces and has been an absolute star, visiting every night. He’s more than I could ever ask for.
And that’s been my 2015. A mixed bag and 2016 will probably still be spent in hospital but I hope it’s a better yesr. Happy new year all!