The single biggest thing I hate about my experiences with the mental health system is having been diagnosed with BPD/ EUPD.
I understand that for some people receiving the diagnosis is a relief, it explains how things are for them and gives them a way forward. For me though, I don’t feel it fits. I received the diagnosis whilst on section on a psychiatric ward and very much not myself. I was angry at the world and fighting so hard not to be alive. I received the diagnosis from a psychiatrist who had known me for less than two months and had never seen how I presented when in a better place.
Today I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and care coordinator and it aptly portrayed everything which is wrong with the way mental health services treat those with BPD. It was meant to be a review but ended in me upset and angry because I didn’t feel listened to. I was trying to be honest in that I don’t feel safe with 7 day prescriptions and received the answer that I need to take responsibility for keeping myself safe. I feel that I am doing so, by admitting that I can’t manage more than 3 day prescriptions at a time. I was then told that I use my mental health problems to elicit care from others. At this point I lost it and cried and argued that for me that’s not true. I don’t want care from the services, I wish I never had to have any dealings with the mental health services. I wish I didn’t know what it’s like to have your personality ripped to shreds by psychiatrists. I wish I’d never been in hospital or had to take medication. I wish I could just be normal. My biggest fear is to be attention seeking or needy, it’s what stops me from reaching out when in crisis because almost always the response is ‘you have BPD, it’s not a true crisis/ you just need to practice mindfullness/ you need to stop attention seeking…’ I may have overreacted and lost my temper, but I meant what I said. A psychiatrist who has known me for 6 sessions does not know me well enough pass judgement on my personality. Luckily this psychiatrist is moving and I am changing teams so a mixture of circumstances mean I don’t have to deal with him again, but the fact remains that BPD is still on my notes.
I don’t agree with my diagnosis. And it doesn’t matter how many professionals tell me I fit the criteria I will continue to fight against it because I don’t think it explains things for me